


an emptiness that words cannot defend [Numb]

by aceofjapan



Series: YOI Angst Week Ficlets [4]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Depressed Katsuki Yuuri, Depression, Don't copy to another site, Established Relationship, M/M, Post-Canon, YOI Angst Week 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:41:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26856850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aceofjapan/pseuds/aceofjapan
Summary: He didn’t even understand where it came from—he was supposed to be happy.He was so happy.Still flying high after his win at Worlds, officially engaged now to Victor Nikiforov.Living with his fiancé in an apartment of their own, with their sweet, sweet dog, enjoying a few weeks of rest after the end of the season.So in love. More in love than he ever thought he could be.He had no reason to be depressed.Promo Drabble for YOI Angst Week 2020 (December 7-13).
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Series: YOI Angst Week Ficlets [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1954669
Comments: 17
Kudos: 58
Collections: YOI Angst Week 2020





	an emptiness that words cannot defend [Numb]

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends,
> 
> This was written as a promo drabble for **YOI Angst Week 2020, which takes place on December 7-13**! Specifically for Day 4 and the prompt Numb!
> 
> As such, please heed the warnings.
> 
> You can find out more about YOI Angst Week on [Twitter](http://twitter.com/yoiangstweek/) and [Tumblr](http://yoiangstweek.tumblr.com). 
> 
> This drabble is tentatively set in the universe of my fanfic [trapped and drowning and I swear to god I'm trying](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18395021/chapters/43563722), later on in what will hopefully one day be part 3 of the series.
> 
> Enjoy!

Yuuri didn’t notice it happening at first.

By the time he realised it, he was already too deep in it to do anything about it.

He didn’t even understand where it came from—he was supposed to be happy.

He was so happy.

Still flying high after his win at Worlds, officially engaged now to Victor Nikiforov.

Living with his fiancé in an apartment of their own, with their sweet, sweet dog, enjoying a few weeks of rest after the end of the season. 

So in love. More in love than he ever thought he could be.

He had no reason to be depressed.

But he’d had to learn the hard way that you could not fight depression with logic.

At first he’d thought it was just the exhaustion from the stress of the season that was catching up to him, weighing down his limbs and making him want to sleep constantly. He even thought he might be coming down with something, his joints aching and his head droning and tiredness clinging to him the way they sometimes did when he caught a cold.

He slept long hours, staying burrowed under the covers long after his mind resurfaced from deep, empty dreams, still too sluggish to get up. 

Victor would laugh at him and tease him, but let him have his “well-deserved rest”, as he called it, finally coaxing Yuuri out of the bed close to noon with a steaming cup of tea.

The smile Yuuri gave him in exchange felt wooden, and he’d wonder at how cold he still felt, even with the tea clutched between his fingers.

No matter how much he slept, though, even a week and two after they returned to St. Petersburg, Yuuri didn’t feel any less tired. He hadn’t gotten properly sick, either, so he kept up with this tentative new off-season routine they seemed to have established.

He’d sleep in late while Victor took Makkachin for a walk and made breakfast. Then he’d go for a quick run while Victor was taking care of various tasks at home. In the afternoon they went to the rink for a few hours of ice time, nothing too strenuous at this point. A few times a week Yuuri had dance practice afterwards, while Victor preferred other off-ice conditioning. Usually, though, they would go home together, and Victor would relax or take Makkachin for another quick walk while Yuuri cooked dinner. The evenings they spent lazily tangled up together on the couch, or in bed. 

There might be a detail or two different when they’d meet up with rinkmates in the evening or go grocery shopping together in the afternoon, but by and large this was their routine for the first few weeks of the off season.

And Victor didn’t seem to judge him too much when Yuuri would skip his morning run occasionally, and Victor didn’t seem to mind if Yuuri wanted to do nothing more adventurous than cuddle in the evening, head pillowed on Victor’s chest, staring blandly into the distance.

The thought of having to see anyone made him tired. The prospect of having to cook dinner made him tired. Even being on the ice, his thoughts inevitably turning towards the upcoming season, made him tired. But surely, he thought, it was just the strain of the last season taking its toll.

Spending time with Victor wasn’t tiring, thank god. Though Victor would sometimes try to coax him into going out for a shopping trip or a dinner date, would sometimes playfully pout when Yuuri wasn’t up for a romp in the sheets, he seemed to be just as happy with a quiet night in and a nap with Makkachin piled on top of them. 

So, yes, perhaps Victor remarked on the fact that Yuuri didn’t keep the flat as clean as he usually would, at first teasing, then bewildered, and then, perhaps, a little pointed. And maybe it was true that there were more clothes left on the floor and the bed and the back of the sofa than usual, so different from the way Yuuri would usually make sure that everything stuck to his side of the closet or the laundry hamper, wary of intruding too much into Victor’s space. Maybe unwashed mugs would collect on various flat surfaces that Victor would occasionally collect with a sigh and carry into the kitchen. Maybe Yuuri didn’t always bother with his daily showers. When he hadn‘t gone on his daily run, it wasn‘t really necessary, was it? Those were his thoughts, at first. Though they soon turned around. If he just skipped his run, then he wouldn‘t have to take a shower, either.

It wasn’t anything he thought much about. His days were still plenty busy, flying by quicker than he could count, and any time he spent with Victor just ran through his fingers anyway.

He was just tired. It would wear off.

But then came the day they lay curled up on the couch together after dinner, kissing lazily. There was some movie on the TV, but neither of them paid attention to it, Victor had even muted the sound a little while ago so that they could better lose themselves in the unhurried push and pull of their lips.

Victor made use of a break in their activities to press a kiss to Yuuri’s hairline, then buried his nose in Yuuri’s hair and breathed in deep. It was a gesture that Yuuri was so familiar with by now, having experienced it countless times before, so it wasn’t unexpected when Victor opened his mouth and murmured into Yuuri’s hair.

“I love you.”

It was such a familiar ritual—kiss, deep breath, then the whispered confession, like it was still a secret. 

It always made Yuuri’s heart threaten to spill over with helpless affection for the man in his arms. 

But not this time.

This time, there was nothing.

Words stuck in Yuuri’s throat, his habitual reply that usually came so easily to him choking him now.

He couldn’t say it.

Not because it wasn’t true—he loved Victor, loved him so much, knew this still, somewhere in his mind.

But not his heart.

He couldn’t feel it.

He couldn’t feel anything.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. 
> 
> You can find me on [Twitter](http://twitter.com/nihidea_art), and I have a [Discord server](https://discord.gg/qEPUbsr) that has a dedicated section for Angst Week, if you're interested!
> 
> There are more promo drabbles coming over the next weeks, so if you're into that, don't forget to subscribe to the series!
> 
> In the meantime, I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comment section! 💜💜💜


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